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Jun 03

My Top Five Self-Waxing Tips

It’s effing summertime! At last. The sun is out, the jackets are in storage and the park is full of flying frisbees. This is very exciting; however, for many of us it means the grudging acknowledgment of the fact that we now have to deal with pesky swim suit-related hair removal. I’d like to take this moment to recommend investigating some home waxing products. I know, I know – it sounds impossible. Even though it can be awkward to have some garrulous woman in the back of a nail salon rip out all of your unwanted body hair, at least you can get away with being a passive participant. All you have to do is lie back and make these faces:

God DAMN it, Ezmeralda!

Waxing yourself seems like some sort of freaky masochistic undertaking that belongs exclusively in the domain of the really crazy or really frugal. Here’s the thing though – it’s not like it hurts any worse. Plus it’s way cheaper and you don’t have to tip someone for making you cry in the middle of the day. I would like to share my top five tips for waxing at home and encourage those of you who think you might possibly be interested to give it a try. Beauty salons are only designed to make you feel gross, anyway.

1. Be drunk. I’m not kidding here – you seriously want to rip out your own hair when you’re stone cold sober? Give me a break. Sure, you may get some funky designs going on from your less-than-surgeon-steady hand, but at the end of the day it will make a painful process much more bearable. Plus you’ll be more likely to drunk dial some of your friend and put them on speakerphone to make them keep you company.

2. Investigate your product options. I always thought of waxing as exactly what they have in the salon – a boiling carafe of wax and some polyester strips to attach to it. In reality, though, there are many options when it comes to home waxing. You have pre-waxed strips, sugar based waxes, all this good stuff. I’d like to recommend Moom waxing kit (which you can get for cheap on amazon.com) because you don’t heat it to boiling. In fact, you’re supposed to keep it relatively cool. You don’t really want to be messing around with boiling hot wax, especially when you’re drunk. If you wind up preferring a boiling-style waxing kit, then maybe re-think the drunk part. I don’t want to be responsible for any serious burns in personal areas.

3. Test it out first. This should go without saying, but I realize that not everyone has the same paranoid-sensitive skin that I have. Before you go applying this new product to your nether regions, test a patch on your arm or your leg. You might be allergic to it, or you might be heating it too long, or something else might be going wrong – and trust me, better to know on your forearm then four millimeters away from the most nerve-packed part of your body.

4. Tackle small patches. I can’t emphasize this enough. I thought that I’d seen enough professional waxing that I could emulate their form and go for significant areas of real estate – this is NOT THE CASE. It is far easier to take on small patches, especially when you’re just starting out. It will take longer – but remember, you’re drunk so it’ll seem the same.

5. Give yourself enough time. I prefer to make sure I’m waxing when my roommate isn’t around. This is because the last thing I would ever want is for her to politely knock on the bathroom door and to have me yell some horrifically offensive phrase back at her. I will say this – especially the first time, it’s going to take longer than you think. And it’s going to take way longer than it would at the salon. Way longer. Like bring snacks with you longer.

Happy summer everyone! Remember, it’s not all sunshine and daisies! Sometimes it’s brutal pain in the name of personal beautification!

Remember everyone – if you cry, you’re a pansy!

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6 comments

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  1. Vlada

    Why not epilate? Most girls in Europe use an epilator — it’s just like waxing, only it hurts much less and is easy to do on yourself.

  2. JuliasThoughts

    I’m going to be honest – I didn’t know what epilating is. Here’s a link to the wiki page: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Epilator Sounds like something worth investigating if you don’t like waxing. Thanks!

  3. wet paint

    how about a post about not removing leg hair or underarm hair?
    top five ways to look awesome in a skirt/shorts/bathing suit/naked without shaving….
    serious.

    1. JuliasThoughts

      Love it! Great suggestion.

  4. Leah

    First of all, I love so much about this. I am almost done being lasered, but I waxed for years and years, and eventually, I did it myself on a regular basis. I’d like to add my comments, because I’m pretty much an expert on vagina failure, so hopefully someone can learn from my mistakes.

    Sidenote: You should do a post on vagina fails. Or maybe I should. Or maybe I’ll write it on my own blog. Or maybe I’ll start a new blog, so it’s not associated with my more general blog. Or maybe I’ll stop starting sentences with “or.” Or not.

    NOTES:

    1. I wholeheartedly agree with the drunken part. For those of you who may be concerned about possible negative outcomes, I have two things to say: One, have another drink. You’re clearly not drunk enough yet. Two, waxing drunk is not nearly as bad as getting drunk at your own party, deciding against your better judgement to hook up with a guest, then taking a break at second base to run into the bathroom and try to drunkenly shave.

    2. I also agree with the statement about investigating your product choices. I’d like to add an addendum: If you can, do this investigation by getting waxed professionally for a few months. Go to a different place each time, try out different kinds of wax, and initiate in-depth conversations about these products and techniques with your waxer. They are the experts, so ask away. Be specific: Do you start at a certain area first? How much ground are you covering? Strips or hard wax? Temperature? What kind of tool are you using to smooth the wax? What’s in the wax? What parts usually hurt the most? (On this question, press for more detail. The more you know about nerve endings, the more you learn about techniques to ease the pain or speed the process). Also ask your waxer if she waxes herself, and if so, ask for tips. Again, be specific with your questions. Do not feel embarrassed. Odds are, you’re naked on a paper-covered table listening to Enya while a stranger gets up close and personal with your vagina. If not now, when DO you ask these questions? If not her, who?

    3. Again, I agree with the alone part. The real reason for this is because inevitably, you will have to take a break. At some point, the pain is too much. Usually, it’s not the actual pain of waxing that hurts the most. It’s the pain of waiting to pull off the wax, and the pain of cramping muscles. Long story short: You will be requiring the bathroom for an extended period of time.

    4. I’d like to put in a plug for the waxing kits that involve putting something on your skin first so the wax sticks primarily to the hair. Some waxers use baby powder. Others use oil. Not all kits include these things, and they are really, really helpful. No matter how skilled you become, there are variables you can’t control (angle, pressure, speed, willpower). A professional can control these things, which is why a professional can just rip. DIY waxers need additional help making sure the wax doesn’t stick too much to the skin.

    5. Feel free to alternate at-home waxing with professional jobs.

    1. JuliasThoughts

      AMAZING! Thank you! You’re totally right about the baby powder thing – I forgot that my waxing kit recommends that you put something on the skin first. I of course ignored that piece of advice, because I was drunk. ;)

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