Obsessing over how to hang out with someone in whom you might be interested is nothing new. We’re all familiar with the insane scheming and the manic over-interpreting of any and everything that might be a “sign.”
“Was he looking at me?” “Did he smile or is that more of a wince?” “Is that his girlfriend or his mom?”
We can become nervous, hyper-aware, hyper-anxious versions of ourselves when we’re around someone we have a crush on. Or when we’re talking about said person. Or even just thinking about them. As Ke$ha said, love is a drug–but she failed to specify is that it’s not a chill drug like pot. It’s more like meth. You get jumpy, riled up, confused, unproductive and then suffer through crazy, asocial periods of withdrawal.
Yikes.
The reason that I bring this up, however, is the strange fact that actually hooking up with someone that you’re interested in makes all of this worse. The overthinking, the self-doubt, the crippling anxiety…all of that is magnified when you’ve already seen this person naked. I’m not judging the hook-up, but it’s noteworthy that something that is in fact very intimate can actually alienate you even more from someone else.
For me, the fear of reaching out to someone with whom I’ve already hooked up stems from the possibility of them thinking I’m taking things too seriously. This might be exacerbated because I’m a woman and women tend to be perceived as relationship-centric and incapable of having random hookups without falling in love, but I do worry that contacting someone with whom I’ve been intimate will lead that person to believe that I now think we’re dating. Which of course I don’t. That doesn’t mean I haven’t thought about it, though. Hookups often come from somewhere. It’s like that old adage – most jokes begin in truth. Well, most hook-ups begin at least with some semblance of interest.
I think the lack of communication probably plays a role in the ensuing awkwardness when you see someone with whom you’ve had a one-time thing. Hookups mean different things to different people, and if you don’t have an explicit conversation about what this is going to mean in the morning (which, let’s face it, would either ruin the mood or be too emotionally complex for the drunkenness) you have to assume that the other person doesn’t care at all or else you risk looking like an idiot. No one wants to be perceived as over-interpreting random sex. This is seriously a sticking-point for our generation. You have to be able to hook-up and move on, no questions asked.
Things worked out for these two because of the baby. (Eyeroll)
I think there is plenty of room for random hookups. I think they’re fun and they can serve an important purpose. But the fact that reaching out to someone after you’ve had an un-clarified hookup can seem “needy” is strange to me. Why shouldn’t we be able to say, “Hey, I saw you naked. Want to get drinks or something? I’m not obsessed with you, I’m just asking” without feeling like it’s crossing a line?
I wonder if this is more of a girl problem and not wanting to be perceived as this stereotypical bimbo who hooks up with people and then waits for them to call her. Somehow I think that we all share this anxiety, though. We are taught that hooking up is fun and normal and we should want to do it, but also that there is a delineation between “just a hookup” and “this has potential.” Why? What’s the difference? We used to date people in the hopes of hooking up with them – why does the reverse order seem so implausible?
4 comments
AnonymousGuy says:
December 21, 2011 at 3:29 pm (UTC -4 )
I disagree that the overthinking increases after hooking up; I think the hookup speeds up the ability to get into an actual relationship. But I guess the key question is: why are you reaching out to this previous hookup? Are you looking for a relationship? A friends-with-benefits situation? Just someone to talk to? Also, how long has it been?
In my case I was seeking a real relationship from the moment I walked in the door. If I met a nice girl and the night ended up in a hookup then the day after the hookup I’d try to take her out to brunch or set up a meeting within the next couple of days (incidentally, I love taking women to art galleries for this purpose). For full disclosure, 90% of my hookups have been with college girls in the college setting. I’m a grad student, so I’ve been around universities for some 7 years now. Usually a hookup as described above would lead to a short-term relationship which would sometimes become a long-term relationship. I’m mildly embarrassed to admit that I don’t know how to get into a long-term relationship other than by following this process. Anyway, after the hookup there was much less nervous energy (for me at least) and I think that helped smooth over the whole “talking, dating, and getting to know each other” part of the relationship. For me, the pressure was off and I was free to be myself. For her, I assume she got to see that I wasn’t just trying to score and move on; I proved right at the start that I’m looking for more. Plus, the fact that most dates end in sex makes the dating portion a lot more fun for both of us.
Perhaps my experience doesn’t really answer the question, because for me seeing someone again who I’ve hooked up with is mostly the same as seeing an ex. In the rare case when the hookup didn’t lead to some kind of relationship then it was either because we were not compatible immediately or because she wasn’t looking for that or because of location (e.g. she is about to graduate). If we weren’t compatible then there was no reason to really talk in the future. If it was one of the other reasons then seeing her again (say, a month later) came with a bit of wondering about whether or not sex was on the table, but I found it was easy for either party to bring that subject up with a line like “by the way, I’m seeing someone else now” and the other party would not be too upset.
As a final thought, maybe I should mention the 10% of hookups which have been outside of the college setting, since that may help readers more. At various summer jobs or visits home I found it was a lot harder to hookup and I’m pretty sure this has to do with the unique culture at college which makes hooking up so socially acceptable (this culture seems to still happen while backpacking, but there you definitely never see the other person again). So most of my hookups outside college/backpacking happened when both the woman and I were pretty drunk and where there was no hope of a relationship because I was leaving to return to college soon after. In those cases it was definitely somewhat awkward to run into this woman months later, but didn’t lead to any over-thinking because after that much time neither of us was really looking for anything from the other. I suppose it all comes back to finding your motivations for seeking out contact with the other person.
MRB says:
December 21, 2011 at 4:43 pm (UTC -4 )
I would say I’ve hooked up with numerous people whom I’ve wanted to have a relationship with but for whatever reason never materializes.
although I wouldn’t point to any particular episode, I’m sure at least once it’s because the partner in question was nervous about appearing to want a relationship when the terms were not discussed beforehand.
I would also submit that in today’s post-college 20-something world, I think that traditional conceptions about who wants relationships is not tilted one direction, and if anything has gone over to the other side.
Nonplayer says:
January 2, 2012 at 7:26 pm (UTC -4 )
I’d agree with AnonymousGuy — in my experience, hooking up with somebody with whom you’ve had romantic and/or sexual tension actually alleviated things and made it easier to talk and hang out. There wasn’t this looming specter of “how does she feel about me romantically and/or sexually??” that was always making the conversation beat around the bush (no pun intended, but I’m glad it happened)
I can think of more than one instance where a good fuck with a friend actually rekindled a friendship and made us keep in better touch.
Nonplayer says:
January 2, 2012 at 7:27 pm (UTC -4 )
Although, interestingly enough, I too am an anonymous guy. Male/female perspective difference? Not really a large enough data set to be scientific, but it’s interesting.