A Review of DreamZone’s New Romeo and Juliet Porn

Dream Zone’s new Romeo and Juliet Porn Parody hits stores today. Check out our pre-release review.

“That’s a fair thought to lie between maids legs”
The Rest of This Review is not This Classy*
by D. P. Scully of Strictly Commercials

Like The Sex Files: A Dark Parody before it, Romeo and Juliet: A Porn Parody isn’t a parody in the Mel Brooks sense (despite the title), but instead a sincere attempt to capture the tone and often even the language of Shakespeare’s original play, only with the substitution of about 200 pages of Shakespeare’s enduring language for erotic moans and groans.

Portion which is a review of THE ACTING:

The actors who play Romeo (Rocco Reed) and Mercutio** (Brian Street Team) give a lot of charm to their characters and clearly got into the spirit of the production. This is a porn first, and an enactment of a classic play second, so I wasn’t expecting them to have the “Oil of Laurence Olivier”*** but both these actors do a good job in the context.

Anthony Rosano, the actor who plays Tybalt, says in the “making of” bonus feature, “All I did to prepare for this role was show up on set and bring my cock,” but his acting isn’t bad and he even manages to add a lot of humor to Tybalt.

In an effort to lend this review some quantum of credence**** I talked to an English professor friend of mine, who for obvious reasons wished to remain anonymous. She said that Tybalt is not a comedic character at all in the play, and is (from what I understood) a man who deals with his problems with violence and anger, serving as a parallel for Mercutio’s dealing with life through jest.

Here also, Tybalt contrasts with Mercutio through being quick to anger, but the insults he trades with Romeo during the party are the kind of mean humor employed by 21st century bullies. In an age when people are no longer allowed to come to blows, Rosano’s Tybalt embodies a modern archetype, as recognizable to today’s audience’s as Tybalt’s hotheaded character would have been to Shakespeare’s audience.

Rosano makes Tybalt into that colloquial asshole who revels in making fun of other’s misfortune. You know the one I mean. Overall, the acting for the three male leads was well above what I expected and gets a hardy “Oo De Lally”***** from this reviewer.

For Juliet, the filmmakers wisely cast a porn actress who is blazingly hot in an approachable way, as opposed to in the “I am hot and know it, have been doused with way too much spray tan, and am constantly giving off the air of someone who looks down on everyone else” way, which is often sought by casting agents seeking women to be:

A. Porn stars
B. Models in Calvin Klein ads
C. Megan Fox.
I don’t claim to be any sort of judge of the really nitty-gritty points of acting, and I do claim to be distracted by the fact that Chanel Preston is supremely hot and frequently naked, but I thought she actually did a great job acting in this.

On the “Making of,” Chanel talks about preferring her lines from the source material (verses the modernized lines,) because the rhythm of the iambic pentameter makes it easier to memorize. She seems, in the documentary, to be putting thought and sincerity into the part, and this comes across in the finished product.

Marie Rios, who plays the character of Juliet’s nurse, was great in her lesbian scene with Chanel, but was clearly hired for her non-acting related talents. She is passable when speaking her modernized lines, but recites the Shakespearean dialogue with all the emotion of a GPS giving turn-by-turn directions.

Without giving away the changes the production made to the ending, the way in which the lovers commit their inevitable suicide in this is quite creative. I don’t know of a modern filmed version which has done it like this before, and the concept was brilliant.

While Rosaline is only spoken of in the original play, this production makes her an onstage character by having Tybalt go to her house, which I thought was cool. However, I wish they had done more with the character after creating her, instead of just writing her in for one scene, so that Tybalt has someone to have sex with. They used her again in the scene in which Juliet’s parents discuss Tybalt’s death, despite the fact that it doesn’t actually make any sense for her to be there.

Portion which is a review of THE SEXIN’: (best read while watching Highlander 2: the Dickening)

They didn’t break the bank and use expensive cameras and lighting on this movie, as far as I can surmise. (In comparison to, say the porn site “X-Art” where the gimmick is the high end equipment used) Despite this, the cinematography is really first rate. This film lights and shoots the acts of coitus with a lot more shadows and depth of field than is usual for porn of any type. The film runs 1 hour and 40 minutes and about a hour of this is comprised of 4 hardcore sex scenes which clock in at around 20 minutes each.

Personally I would have preferred more shorter scenes to four longer ones, since part of the fun of a porn version, to me, is to let the audience see half the characters from the play get it on. The action in the scenes is done in a tasteful way, since the film is designed to be watched in its entirety by a couple who are fooling around. It treads the line of being graphic and hot without employing things like anal or facials that, to generalize, tend to be male oriented sexual fantasies.

I would have liked to see some scenes involving more than two people, (perhaps Rosaline trying to seduce Romeo back, and when he refuses she successfully seduces Juliet instead, with Romeo joining in eventually?) I think it was a missed opportunity having four twenty-minute sex scenes instead of eight ten-minute ones. The couples we do get to see in action are (in order of disrobement): The Nurse and Juliet, Tybalt and Rosalyn, Romeo and Juliet (No Shit, Really!?), and Lady Capulet and Sir Capulet.

If this article were sex it would orgasm here.

CONCLUSION / Brief Cuddle:

Don’t read this and think you are gonna see acting at is finest or anything, but the cast and creators of “Romeo And Juliet” definitely put a lot more thought into this movie than I anticipated, even for the scenes that don’t involve fucking.

I definitely would recommend this film. Folks who I would envision enjoying it most would be: a couple who wants to watch some porn together, but wants something with a bit of class, or a college student who has to read Romeo and Juliet for English 101, but would rather get the gist of it in under two hours, while getting many opportunities to masturbate.*****

Footnote(s):
*to find this quote form Hamlet I typed “dick jokes in Shakespeare” into Google, and found this awesome Cracked.com article (god bless Cracked.com’s writers’ twisted hearts)
**The Real “Merc’ with a mouth,” suck it Deadpool. (There are also facts in this footnote, I promise it won’t happen again.) The end credits list Brian Street Team as playing Benvolio. This makes sense since they do not have him killed over the course of the play, but his relationship with Romeo over the film, and his penchant for making jokes more closely resembles Mercurtio than Benvolio.
**To quote “Wizard People, Dear Reader.”
***John Fogerty is James Bond in Quantum of Creedance
****It’s a Renaissance era play, so I decided its okay for me to break out Renaissance era phrases, which I dig, bearing in mind my only source for how people talked in the Renaissance is Walt Disney’s Robin Hood.
*****Open Letter to DreamZone: If you make any more literary adaptations, maybe start a sub-label called “SpankNotes” whose slogan could be, “Classic Literature minus reading plus boobs.” This label could produce titles Hamlet: the Porno, Macbeth: the Porno, A Connecticut Yankee in Queen Arthur’s Cunt, etc.